So, I'm stressed....maybe a touch of that whole Seasonal Effective Disorder thing, since I frickin' hate the winter and we're barely halfway through it. I'm soooooooo sick of snow and we're about to get hit with more of that shit tonight. On top of that, my job seems to just get more stressful, they have cut my staff and therefore more work ends up on my desk, which currently looks like this:
I know a gd mess huh? Some days I'd like to strike a match and walk away. But, I've got a family and a mortgage to pay, so, I'll keep working and trying to reduce the size of some of the piles....
Kids - I've got three girls, they are the most amazing and frustrating things on the planet. The early years were not easy, from Battered Womens shelters, crappy apartments, homeless shelters and more that I won't go into detail here about. Now, life is very different, I own a house (well, technically the bank owns the house, ha) and things are much better in comparison to those difficult years. My eldest who is probably the most similar in personality to me, has done some amazing things...she spent a year down in Baton Rouge working with City Year mentoring kids down there, she's back now and working full time and trying to intern her way into music promotion...she's the worst driver I have ever known, she's stubborn and opinionated and hysterical...Then we have the middle child, she is a complete tomboy, but, girlie emotions...works hard, drives a big damn truck and has been busy plowing this year.....she is bright, strong, opinionated, sensitive and she gave me the most amazing little granddaughter the world has ever seen, she's now considering joining the Air Force reserves which has me a little bent out of shape, since I may end up taking care of my granddaughter full time if that happens..at MY age?! Gah! Then we have my youngest, who is 15, angst filled, emotional, opinionated (I know, a theme here huh) and almost too much to handle..she's so smart, brilliant really, but, seems to have no clue of that, and very little common sense. She's pushing every button in her desire to grow up too fast and giving me even more gray hair. Every single one of them has simply endless potential, I hope they live their lives finding all of it.
Finances - <Le Sigh> This economy has been tough, on everyone...I have a decent job, but, it still barely pays the bills. After my divorce a few years back, all the financial responsiblity ending up on my shoulders has been a real struggle. When #1 daughter came home I had the added expense of another vehicle for her, she's paying me back, but, very slowly....and then she totalled that car last week (see bad driver notation above)....some months I don't know if I will be able to make ends meet and I go without to make sure the kids have what they need....that is what Mom's do right?
Social Life - Huh? What is that again? My last marriage left alot of scars, Ex suffered from what I believe to be Borderline Personality and because of his issues I had become isolated from most people and although I rid myself of him I've kind of stayed isolated. Tried some casual dating, YUCK...even was sort of in a FWB thing for a little while (that did NOT work)....My tolorance for most people has dwindled, and so the few people I have left to talk to is very limited....so I don't get out much. Although I have my creative pursuits to keep me busy, I do miss having someone to really talk to, confide in and cuddle with.....
I fully understand that the Job, Kids, Finances and all this are the same things that stress out everyone and that I'm not alone in my misery and frustration....does not make it suck any less. I do work on being happier, finding positive affirmations, thoughts, quotes to try to lift my spirits and some days that works better than others...today is not one of those days...I'm overwhelmed with work and worry and wish that I could just go home, hide in my room and tell the world to just leave me alone.
So this is my quote for today:
That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.”
Jd salinger
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